I had somewhat of a lightbulb moment this past Friday while I was on my weekly call with my coach. I’m still reeling a bit from it, to be honest and am trying to stay out of my head and in my body to fully absorb the message. #hardersaidthandone
This revelation has me feeling all the feels, and I figured if it was having this kind of impact on me, it may resonate with you as well!
Okay, so I’m a bit of a tomboy, always have been. I’m a sneaker-loving, workout-loving, strong, independent, tough, ponytail-wearing girl. I can hang with the boys and am also a total type-A control freak. My slight OCD tendencies and anxiety about any situation in my life upsetting the balance of someone else’s life are all too real on a daily basis.
Being vulnerable, even with loved ones, actually especially with loved ones, isn’t the easiest thing in the world for me. I can share my secrets with the world easily, but if something is truly worrying me, I tend to internalize it, so that I don’t worry someone else. Doing this generally makes me feel strong and protective of the people around me.
What it REALLY does, I was expertly reminded, is separate me from my loved ones and distances me from the love and types of relationships I actually want in my life. By closing myself off to the ones I love, even if the intention is to shield them, I am closing off that relationships’s true potential.
Along with that, she also reminded me that all of those actions I am taking are very rigid in nature and go against what it means to be a woman at the core of my being. Think about it for a minute… and no, I’m in no way saying women can’t be strong and organized. At the dawn of human civilization, women were the care takers, the child-bearers (think “open”, even physically), and provided a safe, warm environment for their children to flourish. Men on the other hand, were rigid (you could let your imagination run with this word as well here!), more lean due to hunting practices, more closed off emotionally.
Obviously, a balance of the two great, and neither sex has to be one thing. But when I thought about what she said, I realized I was completely shutting down my innate femininity.
The soft side of me… the juicy side.
I am in a women’s circle with a group of some of the most amazing feminine beings I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting. They are all sooo juicy. They embrace their bodies, their feminine energy, the natural ebs and flows of our natural cycles. I find myself envying these women and being jealous of their ability to embrace their openness, their softness, their womanly juiciness. Sometimes I feel like I’m masquerading among them as someone who seems to embrace what it means to be a woman.
All of these revelations come with a lot of guilt for me… Guilt that I’m closed off to the people I most want to be closest to. Guilt that I still carry around insecurities about my body from growing up the “thick” one and that as a coach and nutritionist, I still have more work to do myself in improving my self-image. Guilt that I feel anger against my body and its shortcomings and limitations. At first glance, the guilt seems almost noble, but again, it is keeping me closed off and rigid, two characteristics that are incredibly non-feminine.
2019 seems to be the year of the woman. It is a perfect time for us to not only fight for what we deserve in society, but also to embrace our innate feminine energy. Because this juicy energy is beautiful, sensual, strong, open, loving, welcoming, safe, and steadfast. Letting go of the guilt that at times also seems innate to being a woman will free us from so many of the chains that bind us to a place in our being that is not in alignment with our truest selves.
Let us bloom as we rise, ladies, and honor the soft petals of those blooms.